日本のファンドーム、私の人生の一部

Should see David Archuleta being crowned.

I have a nagging suspicion that Cook will get it.

Not that it matters to me, because I don’t have that big of a vested interest in the show anymore.

My votes are going to David this Wednesday!

David Archuleta that is.

If there is indeed 4 hours voting time, I get voting access for a full 4 hours. It will most probably not do any good, but yeah. The contestant I choose to vote for never seems to win, anyway! Won’t be for lack of trying. My opinion may be swayed if he butchers any songs. Unless Cook destroys his, of course. Nyanyana.

DL5 photosets look to be EPIC.

I am hyped up about this because according to Castrocopia, Jason Castro may be having a duet! *_* And according to the JCas community, he may be having a solo too, so whatever, I’m ready to watch on Thursday night. And I’ll do myself a favor and not sneak around trying to find out the results ahead of time, because I always do that.

Speaking of results, I don’t really know who I’m rooting for to win now. I… still am an Archie fangirl at heart. I’m really fond of Archuleta, just that I don’t go crazy over him, for the sole reason that he’s YOUNGER than me. ): I do like his voice though. And after I heard his Hollywood rounds I was all for him. Oh, until Jason Castro opened his mouth during Daydream, IJWBYET and Hallelujah, and I was sold. My sister is the Cook fangirl, so uh, yeah I get a lot of the Cook thing at home. I haven’t been properly awed by him since Always Be My Baby (wow that was long ago), and the things that my email has been bombarded with from a friend makes me a bit ‘eh’ about it. ): And I’m a Cookstro fangirl! I really like Cookstro. ):! So actually I should be rooting for Cook?

Well, actually, I don’t care. :D After selling my soul to Jason Castro and his music, I… most probably won’t be getting Cook’s album, will rip Archie’s album off someone. Cook’s voice doesn’t stand up to half the artists I have on my playlist, which will um, include Collective Soul, Our Lady Peace, Deathcab, STORY OF THE YEAR, and such. Honestly speaking, he sounds like most of the rock I have. ): I like Michael Johns’ voice, and my stupid fangirl swooning has been sold to him, so his album will be mine, and duh, Jason Castro had better put out an album because I have money put aside for it already.

Another note, I’m actually glad I lost track of all the Jason media, because according to good sources, they sound the same. ): I’m tired of having to hear the same answers to the same questions. ):

2 more papers and I’m done for Semester 1 \:D/

It’s funny, because now I have tons of Jason Castro media, which has never happened before. It’s making me procrastinate on my mid terms that’s in say, 5 days time?

It’s also funny how Jason was happy to leave, and at the same time, my heart was happy for him.

Jason Castro leaves AI and my AI fan side of my heart left with. I’ll be back for the finale (results!)

It’s funny because I think I haven’t realized that next week I don’t have anything called ‘Jason Castro’ to watch. ): It’s also funny because in 2 months time I won’t be that into him anymore. I know how fandom and I go, and thus, the Jason Castro tag will not be further used. ):

I’m taking this fine, don’t worry about me.

For one whole month I battled with people pushing me to one side; I battled with trying not to give way, but I think I am the most useless person in the whole entire world.

I don’t even understand what has happened for the past 5 months. I read back many of my previous livejournal entries. When was the last time I was truly happy? I don’t think I have been ‘happy’ for a very long time. I started 2008 with EXPECTATIONS for myself. I started 2008 with the mindset that this year is MY year, no matter what happens I will achieve whatever I can to the best of my ability.

Why has that all changed?

I don’t understand either.

I’m swimming in the deep dark depths of the world, because I just can’t find my way out. I’ve done the best I ever can to deal with so many people. I even think that right now, I hate people in general. I am so disgusted by what people can do when the occassion calls for it I don’t even have words to describe it. I have tried to view things in a positive light, but somehow, everything just keeps falling apart everytime I have finally managed to fragily glue things back together.

I don’t understand why.

I don’t even understand me.

Who am I?

What is my purpose in this world? Am I just to exist and be there like a transparent sheet?

I turn up for GP lessons. For the past 3 weeks, I’ve been attempting to show my views. For the past 3 weeks, people look at me and see me as some terribly extra person. They were the cause of my quitting band. I still can’t believe I did that. But I did. I have no intention of going back, anyway. I turn up for GP class, and I just can’t bring myself to ask questions, to be interactive in class, to be the person I was last year.

Today I was shown the ugliest side of human nature. I don’t think anyone will understand this unless they’ve seen it for themselves. No one can ever understand what it is like. I skipped the last part of Sports Day today. I have no regrets doing what I did, because I did get quite an amount of work done. I will own up to what I did, because yes, I admit that it was foolhardy of me to do so. But I was brave enough to admit that YES, I WAS WRONG. I’M SORRY I DID THAT. But if I had the chance again, I would still have done what I did today. I thought I was being right when I wrote my name down. I could have faked. I could have chickened out. I did not. I take full responsibility for my actions.

Yet, there were so many people who did not. There were so many people who just decided that writing their names were not the way to go. There were so many people who were just so damn scared they could care less about integrity. That’s it. That’s the word. There is absolutely no integrity left in the world. I’m angry not because of the bullshit the school pulls on us, but of the fact that the people within the school are people who I respected, who I believed had that bit of good in them.

I have also no respect left for the school. Because in the end, so much is stressed on results, what has happened to morality? What is education? Because if I were to be getting good education, this is not the type of people I want to be associated with. The only people who are going to be getting the end of the stick include people like me, who decided that accounting for your own actions is the correct pathway to take. It will most likely come back to haunt me on my transcript, but I honestly do not care anymore.

Then it makes me wonder? Was I one of the stupid people who did that? Should I have been smarter and bluffed my way out of this? I could not have done that, because my conscience would have destroyed me.

I don’t want to change. I want to be me. There was a period of time so long ago that I was truely happy. That I really believed that there’s always some good in this world. But as I grow up, I now see that this isn’t the case.

I told my psychiatrist that I was disappointed with the way life has played out. But to be truthful, I’m disappointed in what I have become.

I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want my actions to hurt people. I want people to understand me, but I realize that I do not allow people to do that. I don’t know how to bring across my thoughts sometimes, and I know that it is very often that I injure people who care for me. I’m really very sorry. The truth is, I don’t feel loved. The truth is, I just want people to understand me. The truth is, I am not your regular Singaporean. The truth is, I am a very bad student, and my grades show it. The truth is, I have lost all motivation to continue.

The truth is, this world is probably better off without me.

The truth is, I don’t know anymore what I’m supposed to do so that everyone will be happy.

The truth is, sometimes, I am so bent on pleasing everyone else, I forget the people who really matter.

And I’m so bad at expressing myself I don’t know how to say ‘I’m sorry’ to them.

I know I’m probably the person who’s tearing everyone apart, especially me, but you know what, I’ve made a heartful attempt to deal with this shit, but as I pull myself together, something comes along and pulls me further apart again.

I am sorry I’ve been such a disgusting person.

I wish I could have been so much better.

Really.

Because I sure fucking am.

I never watched his Top 4 performance (:O No wai!), but I got off my ass and voted about 800 times today in between classes. I hope it makes just a little bit of difference because I’m here to vote Jason home… Home for his homecoming welcome party!

Yeah, because Jason deserves it that fucking much, more than the other 3 contestents, really.

ETA: I’m swearing off American Idol after this. It disturbs me.

I was randomly surfing for new guitars (I need an acoustic electric, damn!) and Jason Castro’s guitar cost 1099clameroos?

That’s one rich kid. Both my guitars don’t even cost that much. Throw in my amp/case/strap/tuner/picks/number of times I had to change the strings and I’m sure they don’t cost more than 50% of his guitar, alone!

There is however a guitar I saw the other day that costs about 499$. It sounded good, and if I have enough money after I go to Japan at the end of the year I will be getting that. :)

I finished Reglious Fundamentalism today! I’m really proud of myself. Now to start on the previous history topics and also Math. Oh god, this is the most rushed exam I’m sitting for in my entire life. ):

But, my stomach is not feeling happy and *cut for TMI*, so to take my mind off things, I decided to rip apart the top 5 studio recordings of Neil Diamond songs. I am only going to do this because Neil = homggorgeous. Speaking of which, his Pretty Amazing Grace is now one of my *must hear* songs end of this week. I love it!

Also, I don’t have any Cookstro fanart to share due to and excessive lack of time. However, David Cook on Idol Extra was ridiculously funny and everyone should watch it. It’s the ‘Pet Peeves’ one.

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45 MILLION VOTES HOMG WHAT. Ok, audio stream messing with me even though I’m at home. :3

I totally love Jason’s lower register. And the group song is… actually quite a good idea. NEIL DIAMOND MEDLEY OH YEA. <3 Cook sounded good. Oh yea, Cook is really good. I would really like to see him crowned, although I don’t know whether that will be good for him, but hey, Analog Heart jumped to the top of Amazon’s mp3 list, so I’m positive that he’ll do well no matter what. Jason sounded like he was enjoying himself. <3

Oh! They conveniently scraped the whole Paula comment, lmfao. 8D Cook got the pimp spot for the 2nd song. Darn, why is his recording not that?! Um. But really, lay off the pimping. It’s getting annoying even though I like Cook (points to above). Oh. Gossip? Are you sure it’s gossip? OH. Family. What. IS IT RIGGED?! Y/N?

Results next.

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